Looking back on my blue green planet,
Looking at how far I’ve flown,
Looking into the far endless dark,
Roaming the final frontier, home distantly present,
This vast shining star reservoir above, neighboring the many solar flares thereof,
I mention my findings in my memoirs: My thoughts, My reactions, My Dreams,
Eye to eye, screen to screen, glaringly numb,
Do they know? Are they aware?
As I attempt to rest floating within my lair,
The air in here I compare to a black and white back home,
Noir, the ever mystery of why despairs and affairs are often depicted with such fanfare,
The expel of malware from their hardwares, often unfair,
Rockwell and Roswell would be upset,
Therefore in my head, I declare a rare repair of my own software,
Laying bare wondering with the utmost care,
How somebody like myself could fare, out there, living a life on such a dare,
To risk, to open, to love, to crumble--
My thoughts tumble pulled to stumble, dry-white silent mouthful,
Relaxed hopeful, the full empty roomful,
I am in fact, humbled by the spoonful, yet baffled on how so many are so well-traveled,
Especially with how high above I’ve worked to become so elevated…
I often hesitated meditation, refusing my present presentation, relying upon pseudo self-regulation,
But aware of the slight depressive mind narration, I escaped into jailed sedation,
Eyes fainted, mind tainted, breathing regulated,
Vein to blue bloody vein, heart to red running heart,
Black wounds junction at the meeting,
Such feelings are fleeting as I allow self-bleeding,...
My skin, such a fiasco escape of the ticking grey and white,
The strife of my ongoing plight on this flight I constantly fight...
Wondering if risking my bright yellow shining light is worth--
A future sight in a chance to right a so-called “right”...
Why is innocence of an untested unright deemed to be not right?
Nicolas Sparks might write stories to delight--
Yet such themes I’ve often felt so denied as I irrationally found no time to bear such risky painful lives…
This black sky above me is currently airtight,
Why is being human so human?
Why blush to crush to only be crushed??
Much of the lushes in passing I’ve collapsed in reacting,
Notwithstanding the many crude hunches my eyes tended to horizontally follow,
Routinely, I’ve punched out to expunge the masculine bunch--
I wonder how hollow my corrections tend to swallow,
Those hardened Martian urges I tightly walk across run shallow in my shadows,
Such a rush in judgement, such indecision...a fissure within my boned earth,
An earth I grapple to hero, to not villain,
Configure to decency, to sense, to respect, not to where my species has been,
The desire to unify with one of Venus’ mysterious inhabitants erupts, in a whisper,
My face, my mind, my earth then gushes for the familiar, for the safety,
Pronounced, reliable, static, sedated, deafening…
Not a life I would have blatantly fated--
I have yet to attempt change, feeling ashamedly so,
At my current age compared to my youth, I initially miscalculated,
Assumedly predicted a fuller life filled out expeditanially more--
I felt now I’ve ignored too long my soul’s inner roar for something more,
Something I’ve never even implored before...
Fear, oh you familiar drug I’ve often abhorred and adored...
Then one midnight as I snored on board,
Beyond the many stars I’ve explored with these eyes, what appeared in front of me I could’ve sworn--
A woman….my age, my glasses, my goodness!
I fastened on her, then onto how those asses at NASA bypassed such a delicate phantom hourglass,
This stranger: smiling, confident, focused, not embarrassed, moving flawlessly barefoot into my comfort,
Blushingly frozen-red, my escape cut short as her long raven hair flowed,
I recall the moment as she opened my helmet, destroying my familiar,
Her green eyes my brown eyes locked, licking lips apart, vision all a blur to what was about to start:
A kiss, a first kiss, admittedly...my first kiss...
A long lust-filled long-awaited kiss,
Arms sway lifelessly, legs heavy grounded, gravity taking hold,
Her body warmth, piercing the icy thorned overgrowth,
I recall feeling such bliss lips to lips, also feeling slightly pissed as I quickly reminisced on all the lost time I’ve long missed,
Her hunger, her desire, her fire...I am engulfed,
The heat so neatly messy, my muscles tensing, such wet dancing flames blazing,
Body onto body, my arm hair raised to greet her goosebumps,
Lips to lips to neck to chest to lips to neck,
My mind blind yet my sight retained,
Succumbing, her arms enclosed upon my pulsating neck, my hands mindlessly traveling,
Our rhythms syncing to the Earth’s natural rotation,
A sudden jolt, her raised smile upon my hand’s newest body discovery,
I weak to this uncharted territory,
Breathing elevated, everything quivering, temperatures intensified,
Nobody could trivialize the size of this mutually orchestrated circumstance,
The emergence of two souls in trance, only enhanced by our bodily advances,
Her face, her voice, her earth!......gasping!, erupting!, exploding!.....
...Then as suddenly as it quickly appeared…!!
...All turns to nothing…
Awakened, falling from my bed, from in my apartment, onto the planet itself,
I concentrate hard on what has transpired, memories quickly fading--
Inspired I instantly try to rewrite the memory onto paper,
As I recall my dream, I realized how much I’ve been living above but not as much below,
My disappointment was not in having such a vivid dream,
But how for so long I’ve slumbered alive, leaving often-dreams behind,
Staying with Houston instead of launching as an Explorer,
How blind I find to have survived a life without a decent try,
So much life out there waiting for me to find…
Therefore, I shall step out into the unknown, to prove my existence,
And she will be there, waiting for me...to be better, to be aware, to be ready,
And I understand many have taken that one small step already,
But when it becomes my time to take one giant leap,
It’ll be for all humankind.